Posts tagged Dion Taylor

As with my Top Ten Movie List, this titles may are may not have been released in 2011, but that’s when I covered them on the show.

But regardless of when they came out, this much is true. There are all worthy of the SCREAMQUEENZ Giant Pile of Crap”Award.

CHAIN LETTER (2011)

Directed by Dion Taylor
Episode 28

You know you’re in trouble when a slasher movie feels the need to start off with a quote from Neitzsche.  Some truly impressive gore effects can not keep CHAIN LETTER from smothering under the weight of its ludicrously unfocused, over-bloated script and this weird sense of arrogant self-importance that seems to hover over the whole movie.  Dion seems to think he’s layin’ down some real heavy shit here, but he’s not.  He’s sledgehammering his trite “technology is evil!” theme down my throat so hard that I feel like I’m tomorrows plate of foie gras.  Dion, I have two words for you: Re! Lax!

SHARK NIGHT 3-D (2011)

Directed by David R. Ellis
Episode 40

SHARK NIGHT had everything going for it.  Stupid teenagers + an army of hungry sharks + 3D?  This should have been campy matinée gold.  Instead, it just seemed like 90 minutes of lost opportunities.  Instead of reaching to push the boundaries of the PG-13 rating like the screenwriters seemed to consciously forgo scares, laughs or, you know, sharks and focus on the repercussions of a particularly insipid high school romance, so 90 minutes of potential thrills turns into 90 minutes of stifling yawns.  The only saving grace was that SHARK NIGHT 3-D caused me to discover a new subgenre of horror movies: the This One Bitch film, in which dozens of innocent people who have nothing to do with anything die horrible deaths all because of the actions of This One Bitch.  Had this movie been keeping me entertained, this would never have happened.

KILL KATIE MALONE (2010)

Directed by Carlos Ramos, Jr
Episode 43

Fuck Katie Malone.

SKULL AND BONES (2007)

Directed by T.S. Slaughter
Episode 33

This story of two gay serial killer-rapists getting revenge on elitist Ivy League a-holes is quite possibly the most obnoxious piece of celluloid I have ever endured.  I see other reviews comparing it the works of John Waters and H.G. Lewis, but I guess I missed the joke. All I got was an ugly, mean-spirited, ineptly made piece of crap that seemed to be going out of its way to try to offend me, but instead just left me with a migraine.

THE PASSING (2011)

Directed by John Harwood
Episode 40

This best thing about THE PASSING is PAUL GLEASON, the great curmudgeonly character actor best known as Principal Vernon in THE BREAKFAST CLUB.  The bad thing is Mr. Gleason passed away in 2006, which means your “new movie” is less than fresh.  The promising “House on Haunted Hill”-style main plot of three obnoxious rich kids must spent the weekend in creepy old mansion in order to collect an inheritance quickly fizzles down to being just plain obnoxious.  A cast of thoroughly forgettable and irritating characters, shoddy special effects and a meandering script that drags on endlessly make THE PASSING rather like the passing of black stool.  It smells bad, it hurts to get through and it feels like it’s never going to end.

DON’T LOOK UP (2009)

Directed by Fruit Chan
Episode 24

Forget looking up….just DON’T! Another American J-Horror remake of…something…that is virtually incomprehensible. A film crew doing a remake of a “doomed” silent film are attacked by evil spirits and lots and lots of terrible CGI flies. Despite the advertising, Eli Roth is in the film for less than five minutes before the opening credits. Instead, we gets lots of shots of the attractive yet wooden and thoroughly unlikable leading man standing open-mouthed amid swarms of aforementioned terrible CGI flies, causing me to recall the scoldings of Sister Ruth Ann in second grade shouting, “Close your mouth, before you start catching flies!!”

LETHAL OBSESSION (2010)

Directed by Jason Hignit & Chris Jay
Episode 47

Someone is killing off the girls who take it off live on webcam for a sexual fantasy site. Who knew that you a movie about sex workers could be this boring? And unsexy! Not even cheering for the inimitable Marv Blauvelt could add life to this turkey. Things aren’t helped by bargain basement sets and continuity errors that are more entertaining than the movie itself. The LIFETIME MOVIE NETWORK-worthy title doesn’t help things much either.

DREAM HOUSE (2011)

Directed by Jim Sheridan
Episode 42

It’s never a good sign when your all-star cast flatly refuses to do any promotions for your film whatsoever. DREAM HOUSE suffers from the one thing you simply cannot ever be in the horror movie industry. Dull. Painfully dull. Stars Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz do their best to breathe life into this plodding, predictable mess of a movie, though the advertising company didn’t do DREAM HOUSE any favors by revealing the “Big Twist” in the trailer.

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

Directed by Robert Hall
Not Officially Reviwed

Yeah, I know I didn’t review this on the show, but it was so awful, I feel compelled to warn everyone off. This is the way to take a pretty decent film and suck all the life out of it when trying to make it a franchise. A fairly simple slasher story with a unique twist and terrific gore effects has now mutated into a big bloated mess. Chromeskull, a potentially great iconic character, is now the leader of a massive underground shadowy corporation that kills girls for sport?? Or something?? Somehow co-producer and former “90210” star Brian Austin Green is now the center of the action, not Chromeskull who is convalescent most of the time. Almost all of the kills belong to B.A.G. and not the damn title character who doesn’t bother to show up until the last reel. On top of this, the gory kills have an really unpleasant misogynistic vibe. Almost all of the victims are women whose boobs pop out while they are being gruesomely gutted so we can watch them bounce frantically while the girls struggle to cling to life before invariably being stabbed in the mouth. In short…ick!

AMERICAN HORROR STORY (2011)

Directed by Ryan Murphy & Brad Falchuk
Bitched About All Season Long

I know it’s not a movie, but this erratic hyperactive logic-free and downright pompous piece of trash wasted a hell of a lot more of my life than a 90-minute direct to DVD stinker. Sure, we were baited in with tantalizing teases of graphic violence, kinky violent sex and five shots of Dylan McDermott‘s naked hiney in the first episode alone! But in the end, we got a lot of regurgitated claptrap composed mostly of scenes, music and entire plot lines directly stolen from other film sources. Instead of something truly original, we got something plagiarized and repackaged in a blindly flashy package. Although, now that I think of it…what’s more “American” than that?